W I D E   A W A K E

OPINIONS 101: Current Events

March 13, 2003

ITEM: Life being what it is, I've been a bit overwhelmed with work and deadlines to adequately update this column as often as I'd like. Good things are coming up though. Most likely some favorable announcements in the not-too-distant future, but until then I'll just be writing as time permits.

ITEM: Most of my free time is spent writing or drawing. As such, I'm hardly the most educated individual with regard to the nation or the world. Far be it from me to respond or comment upon the current state national affairs, but some news speaks for itself...

ITEM: On March 12, 2003, Republican Representative Bob Ney of Ohio, Chairman of the House Administration Committee whose panel oversees House operations, was propelled into the national spotlight following several menu changes he initiated in the House Cafeterias. No longer will our well-paid Representatives gorge themselves on artery-clogging french fries or french toast drenched in syrup and butter. Instead, they will suck down "freedom" toast and "freedom" fries with a renewed vigor for life, liberty, and the pursuit of caloric gain.
Today, Ney was back in center stage when he announced that prostitutes who dress as "french maids" are no longer permitted into the Congressional Orgy Rooms. Said Ney, "This is about making a stand--about drawing a line in the sand and not budging. That is why I refuse to nail any hooker, secretary, or debutante whose attire reminds me of the French, period." Ney later held a public burning of his personal copy of Girls Gone Wild: Paris Sluts After Dark on the steps of Capitol Hill while reciting the lines to Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
A spokeswhore at the Washington, DC, branch of Sluts 'R Us (Congress' officially sanctioned house of prostitution), was quoted as saying, "We totally understand the apprehension of the Senate and Congress to screw anything french--be it potato, bread, or human. As such, we're instituting a new dress code that includes teddies, bras, and crotchless panties fashioned in a patriotic red, white, and blue theme." In addition, the girls will no longer be referred to as "whores," "sluts," or "prostitutes." They will hereby be known as "freedom fucks." Ney expressed his own feelings of sexual strangulation given the current economic climate: "Look, there is nothing in this world I enjoy more than dressing up like Napoleon Bonaparte, banging a couple of broads, and yelling 'Sacrebleu! Sacrebleu!' at the top of my lungs while listening to Edith Piaf. But these are troubled times and sacrifices, and I'm willing to give up certain 'guilty pleasures' during this present crisis." Asked if he would no longer eat Brie de Meaux, Ney replied, "Sorry, I don't think I know who she is."

ITEM: In a somewhat related story, when asked what (if anything) will be done with the Statue of Liberty--the magnificent structure sculpted by Frédéric-Auguste Bartholdi that was unveiled in New York on October 28, 1886, as a gift to the US from France, and which has been, to millions of Americans, one of the most iconic symbols of freedom in our nation's history (second only, perhaps, to the golden arches of McDonalds and the sagging clevage of Anna Nicole Smith)--Ney replied that he and his constituents plan to decapitate the statue and "skull fuck" it as a symbol of defiance against the French. The White House would neither confirm nor deny this remark, though curiously, all three hardcover copies of The Fine Art of Skull-Fucking Giant French Statues (Random House, 1994) have seemingly vanished from the Congressional Library.

Next: Your guess is as good as mine...

Have you ordered ALTERCATIONS yet? If not, click here for a special offer!




Disclaimer: The news articles in this column are fictional. Any similarities between persons living or dead are entirely coincidental.