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OPINIONS 101: The Misadventures of Dick Cheney

February 16, 2006

Since initially penning this commentary 24 hours ago I've revised it three times. News happens quickly in America and it's sometimes necessary to keep up...

Asked why he decided to trust a story of national importance to ranch owner Katharine Armstrong, Vice President Cheney, with as straight a face as he can wear, offered a variety of explanations: she was an eyewitness, she grew up on the ranch, and she is "an acknowledged expert in all of this." This, of course, refers to Cheney’s shooting of his pal, 78-year-old lawyer and political contributor, Harry Whittington.

I’m sure the Vice President knew what he was doing when he elected to release news of the shooting to CORPUS CHRISTI CALLER-TIMES. Cheney replied that he “thought that made good sense” because he “had no press person with [me].” Wait a second. The Vice President shot a man. Shouldn’t this have been instant national news? It’s a public matter. At least the Clinton affair was consensual. I guess the equation here is:

Affair in the Oval Office = public matter
Shooting a person = private matter

And apparently, Bill Clinton isn’t the only one with poor aim.

As if to add insult to injury, Cheney didn’t even have the proper permits to hunt quail. This is not altogether dissimilar from California Governor Arnold Schwarenegger who, we learned, had been riding around the streets of Sacramento for months and months on his hog without a license. It was only upon being involved in a traffic accident that this information was revealed to the public. When asked why he didn’t have a license, the Terminator merely stated that he’d forgotten to get one. But back to Cheney.

Whittington was hit with upward of 100 pellets, many of which will be lodged in beneath his aging flesh forever, and one of which has already traveled to his heart and caused a mild heart attack. I was truly moved by VP and NRA member Cheney’s words as he said, “He was struck in the right side of his face, his neck and his upper torso on the right side of his body.” Rarely has such poetic imagery spilled from the second-in-command’s lips. I suppose Cheney would now classify Whittington as “battle hardened.”

His obvious attempt to delay (or even prohibit) the release of this incident is, of course, merely one of Cheney’s many attempts at withholding information from those of us who pay his salary. Here are a few more of his best-kept secrets:

Refuses to disclose his taxpayer-funded travel expenses, including the money spent to take him and his friends on their tragic hunting excursion.
Has not disclosed the names of the corporate energy and utility executives who, in 2001, attended secret meetings of the White House energy task force.
Will not discuss his alleged role in leaking the identity of Valerie Plame, CIA spy.

Methinks Dick’s name suits him well.

I really can’t help but feel sorry for Dick. After all, by his own admission, shooting his pal Whittington was one of the worst days of his life. He’s even stated publicly that it was “one of the worst days of my life.” This, however, gives one pause to ask—ONE OF the worst days in your life? What, I wonder, could have been a topper? Thanks to the power of the information super-highway, it’s no longer a secret.

The Twenty-One Worst Days of Dick Cheney’s Life

21. Realizes, after hundreds of attempts, that he lacks the intellectual capacity to go koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs.
20. Attempt to sell soul ends when rejected by Satan as “too evil.”
19. Learned that he can, in fact, believe it’s not butter.
18. Found out wife Lynne pregnant with alien-lesbian love child.
17. K-Mart pulls hollow-point armor-piercing bullets from shelves.
16. Credit for JFK assassination given to that Oswald guy.
15. Congressional probe into WMD did not include actual anal probing.
14. Not “properly” thanked after giving Barely Legal tee to Chelsea Clinton on 11th birthday.
13. Life story “A Little Piece of Dick” straight to video.
12. Realizes that despite three years of Vietnamese can still only say “me love you long time.”
11. ABC cancels BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS.
10. Finds secret to wiping out women and minorities scribbled onto Kleenex but mistakenly blows nose in it.
9. VH1’s WHAM comeback tour blacked out in DC area.
8. Congressional key party ruined by whiny Katrina victims.
7. Pays $9,000 for Pink Floyd tickets but exceeds maximum age requirement for admission.
6. Receives no credit for coining, “You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, dead fingers.”
5. Letter to Santa asking to repeal Roe v. Wade returned for insufficient postage.
4. Forced to run on ticket with George W. Bush after losing poker hand to Trent Lott in ‘99.
3. Accidental release of flatulence while propositioning Condoleezza Rice.
2. Learns Nancy Reagan actually a dude.
1. Sniped on e-bay by Rumsfeld for Hitler’s brain.

The sad thing is, nowhere have I seen or heard the words "sorry" seep from the VP's misshapen lips. I mean, you shoot your friend in the face, you could at least publically say, "I'm sorry." Maybe in his NRA-fueled mind, Cheney considers the word a weakness of character. Remorse is for the weak, I suppose. Anyway, since Dick wouldn't say it, I will. I'm sorry that Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face, though only a little bit. I mean, the guffaws that have hit the airwaves in the wake of this mess have been more priceless than, well, foreign oil.

Ironically enough, Whittington is now apologizing to Cheney. "My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with," the shooting victim told reporters on February 17. One report alleges that the pellet-laden Harry added, "please, Mr. Vice President, feel free to shoot me in the face anytime; consider my mug your personal shooting ground," though this statement has not officially been confirmed. I do, however, wonder what Harry will apologize for next? It was, after all, his own withered veins that allowed a pellet to lodge in his aged heart and trigger myocardial infarction, thus disrupting his doctor's afternoon game of golf. It's quite likely that his insurance company will only pay eighty-percent of reasonable surgical costs, leaving the medical center with a twenty-percent loss. Additionally, he doubtless inconvenienced many hospital personnel with requests for food and IV fluids. Plenty of apologies are due. Perhaps Harry will even assume responsibility for the political cartoons that have lately incited the wrath of the Muslim world.

As for Cheney, I’m actually thankful for big Dick. He is, after all, the Dan Quayle of the new millennium with extra evil added at no additional charge. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Disclaimer

This author firmly believes that guns don't kill people, careless vice-presidents do. The above depictions of Dick Cheney's worst days may or may not be true; you'd have to ask Dick since he's always so forthcoming about getting the story straight.

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