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OPINIONS 101: South Dakota and the Evil That Men Do

February 24, 2006

Rapists wishing to father children need only drive or fly as far as South Dakota. Yes, lawmakers in the Mount Rushmore state, headed by governor Mike Rounds, have approved a bill that would ban abortions throughout the land.

Astonishingly, the bill would also forbid women who have been raped or become pregnant through incest to abort their pregnancies. The anti-abortion bill has been railroaded through the Republican-controlled state legislature less than a month after the confirmation of conservative judge Sammy “the ice man” Alito to the U.S. Supreme Court and is on the fast track to our nation’s capital. The threads that the bill will weave in its tapestry of evil are as follows:

1. Planned Parenthood will file a lawsuit that will prohibit the proposed abortion ban.

2. The case will escalate through the court system and ultimately find its way to the door of the U.S. Supreme Court.

3. The high court, now under conservative majority rule with the appointment of Alito will overturn the landmark court decision, Roe v. Wade, of 33 years ago.

4. Abortion once again becomes illegal in the United States thanks to a male-dominated conservative government that fears the empowerment of women and wishes only to view them as moms and caretakers of children.

Conservative House Speaker Matthew Michaels was amazingly upfront with his bias: “I think the stars are aligned," he said. The stars are aligned? I guess he heard that one from God, as I’m sure he must have a close personal relationship with Him.

Apparently the U.S. is so stable and is such a positive influence on the world that we have no other burning issues to address beside the classic “thou shalt not abort.” Governor Rounds affirmed that, “I'm pro-life and I do believe abortion is wrong and that we should do everything we can to save lives. If this bill accomplishes that, then I am inclined to sign the bill into law.” Gee, Mike, I’m pro-life too. Hell, I don’t even eat animal flesh, which makes me even more pro-life than you. But if you’re telling me that a woman gets raped in a back alley or a 17-year-old girl gets knocked up by her twisted daddy that it’s illegal for her to abort the pregnancy because doing so is somehow considered “anti-life,” then I'm going to humbly request that you kindly take your head out of your ass. How dare you have the conceitedness and audacity to make such a foolish and ill-thought statement? And why hasn’t South Dakota introduced a mandatory castration bill for rapists and incest perpetrators, Mike? Oh, that’s right, it’s a male-dominated legislature.

The truth of the matter is accidents happen—ask Dick “I shot my friend” Cheney; he knows all about that. Pregnancies occur that are unplanned. There’s a reason why pencils have erasers, computers have backspace keys, and Presidents are impeached. Mistakes happen.

Let me make something abundantly clear: I am not “pro-abortion.” I am not suggesting that women flock to abortion clinics and terminate their pregnancies. I am, however, “pro-choice.” There is a huge difference. As a male who is pro-choice, I am inferring that it is not my right to tell a woman what she can or cannot do. Anti-choice feel otherwise, though they never actually refer to themselves as being “anti-choice” because doing so would cause their membership dwindle in the wind. Conservatives use words to manipulate and mask their intentions and refer to themselves as “pro-life.” It’s never a question of pro-life versus anti-life fer cryin' out loud. The question, plain and simple, is: Should a woman have the right to make her own decisions? I believe she should. President Bush and the conservatives in office believe that a woman does not have this right and are determined to eliminate it.

Fortunately, there is a solution to all of this political fidgeting and manipulation: Canada.

That’s right, The Great White North, home of SCTV and Rush, has virtually no restrictions on abortion. And while there is an expense to visiting a clinic in a province like British Columbia, doctor referrals are not needed. One simply calls to make an appointment. And I guess that this will ultimately be the backlash of the eventual overturning of Roe v. Wade—this, and plenty of “illegal” backroom abortions the likes of which were seen prior to the court decision. Our leaders should feel very proud of the tremendous work they're doing. Of course the number of clinics in Canada is limited, and its unlikely that many American women would actually be able or willing to make the trek north; though for some it may prove worthwhile.

The take-home message to all of this is one that the Bush administration has been branding like a corporate slogan. The United States is becoming New America, a monarchy akin to Alan Moore's landmark V for Vendetta where funding for education and social programs is being eroded to finance the overthrow of foreign governments in the guise of a "war on terror," where civil liberties are sliced and diced “for our own protection,” and soon, where a woman’s only right will be to have her damn baby and "Shut up the hell up" about it.

God bless New America.

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