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DOYLE TO MEDIA: “Honest, I thought she was 15”

April 5, 2006

Breaking News

On Tuesday evening (April 4), Brian “Juvie” Doyle, the fourth-ranking spokesman at the Department of Homeland Security, was arrested at his home in Bethesda, MD. Doyle, 55, has been charged with preying on a child through online sexual conversations with an undercover detective who was posing as a 14-year-old girl. Doyle has been placed on “unpaid leave” though this will likely be upgraded to “permanent unpaid, get the hell out of our office sick-o pervert” termination.

Authorities allege that Doyle began a series of online chats, including conversations he held in his office, with whom he perceived to be a minor. He encouraged the minor to purchase a web cam, a Spirograph, and two bottles of Mr. Bubble, and to perform on camera to satisfy his burning lust for untainted, underage bubble-coated flesh. Doyle’s coworkers are stunned. “I’m in a complete state of shock,” said Homeland Chief of Security, Allan Weismann. “We were just sitting in his office yesterday watching the director’s cut of Soapy Girl Scout Fever IV and reading Underage-Flesh Soap Temptress Monthly. This is completely out of nowhere.”

“I think it’s unfair to refer to me as a sexual predator,” a defiant Doyle stated from his prison cell while perusing the latest issue of Nude, Soap-Covered Nubiles. “I’m just an innocent flesh marauder with a penchant for eighth grade skin. Anyway, there hasn’t been a terrorist attack on US soil since I’ve been in office so I don’t really see what the problem is here. I mean, this is not about me. This is about fighting terror, and everyone fights terror differently. Some fight it with guns. Some fight it with words. I fight it with my computer. And by having sex. Sex with minors.”

Homeland Security press secretary Russ Knocke released the following statement to the media this morning: "The department is cooperating fully with the ongoing investigation into the allegations against Brian Doyle. We take these allegations very seriously, and we look forward to divvying up his vast collection of child porn before the arrival of local authorities."

Doyle joined the federal government as a civil service employee shortly after the September 11 terror attacks. Prior to joining the federal government, Doyle managed his own store, Underage XXX Video Rentals, in St. Petersburg, MN. “He was a dedicated shopkeeper,” notes 63-year-old smut connoisseur Arlen Anderson, who frequented Doyle’s establishment daily. “He’d watch every video—two, three, eight times—and he’d go out of his way to arrange in-store appearances of the actors and actresses. Brian Doyle is the greatest American hero in the history of our nation.”

Bethesda police believe otherwise. “The fact that he [Doyle] chose to use his one phone call to dial-up a teen-sex hotline speaks volumes,” Bethesda deputy Sharon McGuire noted earlier today. If convicted, Doyle will likely face no prison time, largely due to HR253-SPA (Evildoer Protection Act of 2004) which grants immunity to all persons in the Bush administration found guilty of unlawful acts. Doyle, meanwhile, insists he is innocent: “If it’s wrong to have sex with a child then, by God, I don’t want to be right.”

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