N E W S L E T T E R S

MOUSSAOUI TO AMERICA: “I really, really, really, really hate you”

April 14, 2006

The circus trial of Zacarias Moussaoui continues to make headlines and consume airwaves faster than my dog chews chicken strips, though I confess that my dog is quite the ravenous eater. Not that the trial is getting anywhere near the coverage of the OJ trial of years past. Of course, the OJ trial involved the murder of two people whereas the Moussaoui trial only involves attacks on multiple US cities and thousand of lives. I guess the media know what they’re doing.

Moussaoui’s defiance and arrogance throughout his lengthy trial comes as little surprise. He has shown himself to be a ruthless man with no regard for the thousands of lives that were lost on the day of the September 11 attacks (i.e., September 11). The 37-year-old Frenchman is clearly of the belief that America is the enemy and that the terrorist acts were justified. During his 2.5-hours on the stand during his defense this week, Moussaoui expressed his hatred for America and Americans.

“I really, really, really, really hate America; seriously,” a defiant Moussaoui told the jury. Asked to elaborate, Moussaoui sipped from his water glass and elaborated.

“Well, one thing I hate is when you’re standing in a long line at the grocery store and it’s not moving because some stupid capitalist ally of Israel is at the front of a line paying by check or digging though a pocket book for coupons, and then suddenly another register will open and the cashier will call out, ‘I can help the next person in line’ and then some idiot who wasn’t even in line to begin with steps right into the aisle in front of everyone else. By the Quran, that bugs me.”

Moussoui continued to berate American super-markets, adding, “And how come when you get a manufacturer’s coupon it has a really short expiration date? Let us say for argument’s sake I purchase a box of Hydrox cookies in March and a week later I get a coupon for fifty-cents off the purchase of a box. Well, it takes me a while to eat the box I already have, but the coupon expires in 30 days. What am I supposed to do with that? I’m only one man. Mighty Allah has only given me a limited number of bicuspids and I can only eat so many cookies in a single, 24-hour period. So then when I finally need another box of Hydrox cookies the coupon I have has expired. And why is it that when I buy a box of cookies or some laundry detergent that the cashier gives me store coupons for cat food with my receipt? Did I buy cat food? No, no I did not. But yet they give me a coupon for cat food anyway. Am I supposed to go and buy a cat now? Is that what’s expected of me?”

As the afternoon pressed onward, Moussoui’s tirade of hatred persisted unabated. Scratching his beard like a deli customer whose been given the wrong soup, Moussoui seemed utterly enraged about American theaters, particularly megaplexes. “I go to the megaplex in your cities, and there are a dozen screens. But the same HARRY POTTER movie is playing on four of the screens. I tried to see BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN and it was sold out; meanwhile there’s HARRY POTTER on four screens and plenty of seats available. And what happened to CORPSE BRIDE? That was in and out of theaters in, what, three weeks? I didn't even get to see it on the big screen. Tim Burton is huge in Palestine. Huge. And while I'm on the subject of theaters, don’t get me started on movie theater butter. Have you tasted movie theater butter? By Allah, I’ve fueled suicide bombs with better-tasting liquids.”

Defense lawyer Gerald Zerkin, sensing that Moussoui’s statements were angering, or at the very least, boring the jury, asked his client, “Isn’t there anything you like about America?”

Moussoui paused, and with a glint in his eye slammed an open palm against the witness box and declared, “THE IDOL. I like it best when Simon tells the American singers how terrible they are. I like when the contestants are eliminated. I laugh and then drink your American beer, which to me tastes like tank oil. Why does all American beer taste the same I ask you? I have been to many countries and have sampled many beers, but only in America does Coors taste like Budweiser which tastes like Miller Lite. And why does Miller Lite refer to itself as being ‘everything you always wanted in a beer, and less’? It makes no sense to me. Perhaps it is a dumb American colloquialism but I don’t get it and none of my friends get it either. We throw bottles at the TV set I tell you, and we put the shards of broken glass in the sand on your American beaches so that when filthy Americans walk on the sand they will cut their feet and it will ruin their day and they’ll have to go home and watch reruns of KING OF QUEENS or EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND and we will have won.”

Moussaoui remarked that America’s love of sports has left it weak.

“In my country, there is no Major League Baseball. And if there was, we would not need 150 games and dozens of playoff games and a World Series to decide the best team. We would play one game and the losing team would be sacrificed that same evening. Their deaths would be short and painless, though, personally, if it were up to me, we would put them inside a creature like that one in the Tatoonie desert in RETURN OF THE JEDI, you know, the one they were going to put Han Solo in and where his body would be slowly digested over hundreds of years. I like that scene though I do not like that movie and I do not understand why there are teddy bears in it. I do not like teddy bears and will kill all teddy bears I see.”

After a short recess, Moussaoui returned to the witness stand where he began his verbal assaults with renewed vigor.

“I have read on message boards on the Internet countless debates. Always, always debates on same stupid subjects. Who is better Captain—Kirk or Picard? Who is strongest one—Hulk or Superman? Who is sexier Charlie’s Angel—Farrah Fawcett or Tanya Roberts? I am sick of reading about stupid debates when answers are all so clear: Kirk is better captain because he uses fist. Hulk is stronger one because he uses green fist. And everyone knows Farrah is sexiest one of all (even though I must gouge own eyes out for looking at red bathing suit poster and thus angering Allah). Anyway, I don’t like bowling shoes, and the bowling balls are all too heavy and the holes for your fingers never quite fit my fingers and the floor is too slippery.”

As Mousssaoui was lead from the witness box to his seat in the courtroom he suddenly turned to the jury and asked: “What is with all these stupid Americans going around in TV commercial crying like babies, ‘You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!’ and ‘You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!’ and then agreeing that it tastes delicious? In my country, if infidel gets peanut butter in one’s chocolate, we cut off his head and stuff full of lima beans and send back to family. No more peanut butter in my chocolate.”

The trial resumes April 17. US District Judge Leonie Brinkema told jurors deliberations will likely begin early next week; she sweetened the deal by promising jurors a free screening of BENCH WARMERS provided they arrive punctually. “And don’t worry,” she said, glaring disdainfully at the defendant, “there’ll be plenty of real butter for everyone.”

Moussaoui has already pleaded guilty to his involvement in the September 11 attacks. It is up to the jury to decide whether he should be put to death or be shot up into space and forced to watch bad movies with two robot companions.

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