N E W S L E T T E R S

Chertoff to Female Airline Passengers: "Present Panties Please!"

August 10, 2006

Washington, DC:* Homeland Security Secretary and Skeletor look-alike Michael Chertoff dug out the once-shiny silk tie he’d gotten as a birthday present twenty-years ago. Chertoff had been waiting, hoping, and praying for this day, and it had finally arrived.

“I’ve been getting less exposure than the WB Network,” Chertoff said to Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales, “but everything’s about to change.”

It all stemed from the recent exposure of a terrorist plot to destroy planes enroute from the UK to the US. Chertoff wiped the remnants of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from his thinning lips as he stepped before the media for an August 10 press briefing. “See,” he said, smiling, “I told ya the terrorists would try something like this. I told ya my job was justified.” Chertoff then issued our nation’s highest terrorism alert ever for commercial flights from Britain to the United States—Super-Dark off-Mauve.

“We are now at Super-Dark off-Mauve alert,” President Bush said from his underground monkey-breeding labortory. “We will remain at Super-Dark off-Mauve alert until such time as a new color can be created by our team of terror colorist specialists.”

The Transportation Security Administration revealed today that as a result of recently planned acts of airline terrorism, stricter rules and regulations are forthcoming for airline travelers. It was initially believed the terrorists (20 of whom have already been arrested by Scotland Yard and the World Police) were planning to use explosive liquids (concealed in beverage containers) to cause the planes to detonate in mid-flight and killing all those aboard. Since yesterday's discovery of the plan, authorities have also learned the terrorists were planning to confiscate small incendiary devices aboard passenger planes through women's panties. The announcement prompted a swift response from the TSA and the Department of Homeland Security, which issued the following update with regard to airline travelers: "In the interest of public safety, all female passengers over the age of 18 will be required to remove their panties at the security check point. Panties will not be allowed beyond the check point, and no female passenger (including airline personnel) may wear panties during a flight."

In total, the word "panties" appeared in the 20-page TSA report more than 875,000 times. Page 14 of the report simply reads "Panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties panties."

Chertoff was outspoken in his support of the actions of the TSA and DHS. "This is a great day in American history," he noted, "and I will personally do all that I can to ensure that all female passengers are compliant with this new regulation. I will gladly do my part to help dispose of the unwanted panties."

*Satire, based on real current events, most notably the recent terrorist plot in the UK and Michael Chertoff's corpse-like facial features.