Troy Lee Gentry to Media: "I Done Gone Killed That Bear Real Good!"
August 18, 2006
Duluth, MN:* As if country music didn’t suck badly enough...
This week the Associated Press ran a story about country music recording artist Troy Lee Gentry, and in case you missed it, it goes a little somethin’ like this…
Gentry, the inbred country singer whose cracker voice can be heard on such painful recordings as Gonna Marry Me a Cousin, Got Me a Fist an’ Gonna Hit Me a Woman, and Gosh, Uncle Smitty's Got a Purty Mouth allegedly killed a tame, caged black bear. Okay, that in-and-of-itself may not shock you (after all, Gentry's first album was entitled Gonna Kill Me Some Animals, Goddammit) but what is shocking are the details of this sordid Hicksville affair as reported by the AP.
One day, after rolling around in ostrich feces for several hours while trying to propose to a cousin, Gentry said to himself, “Skin, what kind’a vile disgustin’ deed can I does next?” His corn-bread-fed mind then hit upon the idea of killing a bear. But Gentry realized that although he had the necessary stupidity, he lacked both the courage and the skill needed to kill a wild animal. So he decided to do what all country artists eventually do with their cash; yup, he got drunk and bought himself a bear.
Authorities report that Gentry purchased a black bear from Lee Marvin Greenly (I swear to God that’s his name), a wildlife photographer, hunting guide, and sewage counnisseur. After purchasing the bear (whose name was Cubby), Gentry casually murdered it with bow and arrow while Cubby sat in his cage, helpless to defend himself against the evil country music assassin. To cover up the crime and to help Gentry deal with the recent knowledge that he was a product of his mom's ilicit affair with a rabid hyena in 1965, Gentry and Greenly tagged the bear with a Minnesota hunting license and registered the animal with the state Department of Natural Resources as a wild kill.
Apparently (and proving the depth of their stupidity), the pair recorded Cubby’s murder on videotape and then cleverly edited so that it would appear to viewers that Cubby was killed in the wild in a “fair chase” hunting scenario. The editing proved so bad that even George Lucas cried several tears of embarrassment and demanded that Star Wars fans forgive him for Episodes I, II, III, and VI.
Gentry, who paid an estimated $4,650 for Cubby, sighed and noted that, “Sometimes ya win an’ sometimes ya lose, like that time I done married my cousin, Johnny Sue. Didn’t even know she was a dude ‘til after we done consummated the marriage.”
If convicted, both Gentry and his Zapruder-wannabe conspirator face a maximum penalty of 5 years in federal prison and a $20,000 fine. But let’s not kid ourselves. Gentry paid nearly $5 K for a sacrificial bear; we all know that his financial clout will result in a virtual “get out of jail free” card, though no doubt the illiterate hick will be unable to read the card himself. "I'm not really concerned," Gentry noted, while gnawing on Cubby carcass. Gentry refused to answer additional questions, stating that he was "running late" for his nightly stray kitten slaughter.
Gentry's manager, Johnny Dorris (I swear to God that’s his real name, too) said Wednesday that Gentry anticipates exoneration. Dorris stated that Gentry “relied on the knowledge and expertise of a local guide to obtain the proper permit.” He also noted that Gentry usually “relies on the knowledge and expertise of local necrophiliacs before choosing to stalk the dead for sexual favors.”
Greenly, doubtless looking for fresh corpses to defile, did not return AP’s phone message seeking comment.
*While this piece contains elements of satire and fiction, it is unfortunately based on real current events, in particular, Gentry's alleged murder of Cubby and his penchant for corpse buggery.